Some days I wake up and the light is so bright, the hope is so overwhelming that I feel weightless. Like I may be dancing and twirling on the fluffiest clouds, wrapped in the arms of sun rays. Brightness is easy when your dancing in the troposphere.
But some days seem far and few in between. Most days, I don’t feel like dancing.
I feel consumed. I feel overwhelmed. I feel everything at once or I feel nothing at all and I am longing for an in between. Every step I take forward, I reach my hands out to my side fighting for stability, hoping to land my foot on steady ground. So far I have found nothing but the rocky hill side of the dangerous unknown. “At least you’re moving forward,” I collectively hear the voices of those who have been encouraging me like a chorus in my head. What good is forward when with every step my footing seems less stable. I fear if I walk too far I will find myself plummeting off the edge of the highest cliff with my definite demise waiting at its dark bottom.
I was told to look in the mirror and smile until I was happy. Look at myself, do not shy away, and smile. But my smile quickly turned to a quivering brow and upturned lips as I fought to keep back the tears that stung the corners of my eyes. When I look in the mirror, I hear his voice. I hear every conversation we had on repeat in my head. Every word that made me feel like I would never be enough. I see a girl who is crazy. I comb through every move I made wondering where I missed the mark. Wondering why I fell short. Regretting every time I found myself looking desperate, basically begging this man to love me. I think maybe if I could just have acted normal, cool, confident, maybe I would not have found myself there that night. If I was easy to love, then I would not be so easy to hurt, to treat less than human. Or maybe he was right, I have created some fictitious scenario in my head to ease the pain of rejection because I can’t understand why I am never chosen. The longer I stare the more voices I hear. None of my own. Every other voice that has made me feel small and all I see is every desperate and failed attempt to convince them I was lovable. I was worth keeping around. I have to turn away because the pain in the eyes of this unknown reflection is more than I can bare. I will try to smile again another day.
Do the work. Read your word. Pray. Trust. Keep moving. affirmations. Journal. Believe it. Believe it. Believe it.
I have the power to control these thoughts. To think of my value, to speak life and watch it manifest into creation around me. But my mind is a constant battlefield. A never ending war zone between light and dark, Between dancing on clouds or stumbling through rocky unknowns headed toward the cliff. And I am utterly exhausted.
My dear friends. I have been so quiet lately. Well, not just lately. For months, I have left this page, and you, my dear readers, alone. Or maybe I have no readers left at all. I don’t know. It doesn’t much matter. What I know is that writing is my safe place. And for far too long I found refuge in the hidden spaces of the darkest places. But today, I am dancing. Maybe one day I can tell you in depth the details of the rocky path I found myself stumbling on. But today, I just wanted to invite you, whoever you are, to join me on the clouds.