He is going to be a powerhouse. He is going to be a man whose stride drips in confidence, whose posture shouts exuberance and whose speech captivates anyone lucky enough to be in earshot. He will be steadfast. He will be a source of energy, a pool of wisdom. He will be a man with the ability to make a difference. He will be a man who people are drawn to because of his kind heart, abundant knowledge, impactful actions and elegant speech. My future husband, wherever he is, will be a powerhouse. At least that’s what I’ve always imagined.
I ‘m a powerhouse. I am a person people listen to. I am a person who dreams big. I am person who wants to be influential. I never wanted my extra loud personality and attempts to be heard to drown out my man’s voice. I wanted someone who could boldly stand beside me in any arena and be a powerhouse too. Maybe his gift won’t be like mine. Maybe his won’t require standing in front of a crowd with a mic in hand all eyes on him. Maybe his idea of reaching the masses won’t look exactly like mine either. All that is ok. But wherever he is, in his actions, in his words, to everyone around him, he will be:
a)a source of influence or inspiration
b)any source of power, energy or strength
One night last year during are nightly prayer/bible study, my amazingly intelligent and spiritually in tune best friend and I were going on about just how powerhousey are future husbands would be. Then she, as she so often does, hit me with an amazing revelation that still has me questioning my whole life at times.
A few weeks prior to that particular conversation during our church’s fall conference, pastor Dharius Daniels had preached a message where he mentioned the “backlash to the blessing”(this will be a whole blog topic on its own one day, I swear.) . He basically was explaining that to every single blessing, dream and calling there will inevitably be some backlash. He explained how God will often take you a different way that you had anticipated in route to that blessing to prepare you for the backlash when it occurs. The message still had us shouting and dancing across the whole room all those weeks later.
But what she said next intrigued me. “I’ve been thinking. We want a powerhouse husband. That is a blessing. So what does that backlash to that look like? If we have a man who demands people’s attention, how are we going to handle that when it brings a lot of female attention? Are we prepared? Or what if his calling is one that is very demanding? What if it requires travel? What if it takes his attention off of us sometimes? Are we prepared to handle that? Or what about the attention we might receive because he is a powerhouse? Are we prepared to handle that? My prayer is that God continues to mold me into the type of woman a powerhouse man deserves.”
Now I know guys, I talk about my singleness and dating a lot. I know you guys will be shouting hallelujahs to the heavens when I finally have a ring on my finger just for the pure excitement of a new topic of conversation (can we praise Him in advance y’all? Maybe it will speed up the process). But it’s these very conversations, the little nuggets of wisdom that gut check me into self-evaluation that make me appreciate this topic so much. I mean when us single girls think about dating, we often get so wrapped up in the great parts of a relationship. The love, companionship. But what about the hard stuff? What about the insecurities that may arise, the fights you may have and the disappointments you may face. Relationships and love are great, but they are hard work too. And at the that time the answer was no. I was not at all whatsoever that kind of woman. It is one thing to be a powerhouse all on your own, but what could surface were I to find myself in love with one? Dating is one thing. But being a wife and building a life, a family, with someone who demands attention when he walks in the room, the takes a certain kind of woman. That takes a woman whose validation and strength come from God alone. A woman who will never let her significant others opinion, mood, situation, location etc. define her worth as a woman. And when we had that conversation, the answer was no. I could not handle the backlash to that blessing. I wanted to be. I felt like I was way too old to not be. I had been single long enough that I should be. But I wasn’t.
Now? 6 months later? I am still becoming her.
I am sure that these ridiculous dating situations I keep ending up in are my own doing. Me not listening to God until after I’ve already tried to turn a red light into a green one. Or maybe they could just be a route I never intended to take. This past year has been the most intentional year of my life. Every choice I have made, even ones I later realized were decision I made on my own accord, I have purposed to learn and grow from them. That’s been no different in my quest for love or my season of singleness. I never cared to understand the lessons that that being single had to teach me until now. And I have grown. Tremendously. So my latest…dating debacle shall we call it…has reminded me of this conversation. It was another chance to self-evaluate. It was another chance to ask God what is it I really want? What do I really deserve? And what are the consequences to the desires?
My debonair, suave, intelligent, steadfast, hardworking, Jesus loving, world changing husband is out there. He is out there, somewhere preparing to be or maybe already being an entire powerhouse. I still want that. But the question isn’t and should never be “where is he?”
So long as I am in this season the question is and will remain “am I prepared to handle that?”